Q: Hello, Dr. Lazarin. Thanks for talking with us today. Is this for me?
A: It is.
Q: Oh. What am I supposed to do with it?
A: As it is a liquid, I would recommend you imbibe it.
Q: Hmmm. It has kind of a chalky undertaste. Is this a traditional Mordesh beverage?
A: Not exactly.
Q: Well, it’s the thought that counts. So you’re a Mordesh. From what I hear, you guys are pretty skilled at alchemy.
Q: So you can do things like turn lead into gold?
A: Lead into gold? Laughable.
Q: I know! I can’t believe anyone’s stupid enough to still consider that possible…
A: We mastered such child’s play millennia ago. While the focus of my own labors is somewhat singular, my colleagues keep themselves diverted with decanting corporeity, the liquefaction of algorithmic adjacency, as well as more complex various concoctions far beyond your ability to comprehend.
Q: That’s probably an understatement. So what’s it like being a space zombie?
A: “Space zombie” is a preposterous pejorative. Statistically we occupy far more time planetside.
Q: What about the zombie part?
A: Do I appear to you an abomination with an appetite for the living?
A: My proclivities do not run in that vein, I assure you. Any interests I have in removing your skull and applying my attentions to your brain are purely clinical.
Q: Whew! That’s a load off of my mind. But just to be clear, you guys weren’t always this…hideous and disgusting? If you’ll pardon the expression.
A: We are no longer quite as majestic as we once were.
Q: So what happened?
A: We were formerly a more visually advantageous race. But although we enjoyed long lifespans, we were fervently fascinated by the figure of death, flagrantly flaunting its finality. My goal was to forever free us from its yoke. To preserve those dear to us who might still be saved.
Q: And your solution?
A: I created the Everlife Elixir.
Q: Which was supposed to grant you eternal life?
A: Your power to perceive the obvious is truly impressive.
Q: Thanks! But it didn’t work out exactly as planned?
A: No. Instead it cursed us with the Contagion.
Q: And turned you all into space zombies?
A: Correct. Of course, it did technically cease the aging process. To that extent my experiment was a success.
Q: I guess there’s a silver lining in everything. Does looking corpselike make it hard to date? Or do you just wear a lot of extra cologne?
A: The Contagion prevents procreation. I had hopes that the Vitalus Serum would have restored us in this capacity, but it did not.
Q: Vitalus Serum. That’s the blue goo in those segments of your limbs? What exactly does it do?
A: Vitalus moderates the madness and its attendant…appetites.
Q: What happens if you don’t have it?
A: I go mad and aggressively attack the nearest organism. Naturally.
Q: Oh. But interviewers don’t count, right?
A: You are an organism, are you not?
Q: Let’s move on. When your Elixir backfired, the Dominion quarantined your planet Grismara and left the survivors to die. Are you bitter?
A: The serious scientist does not allow sentiment to seep into his study. If a subject is infected, he simply and carefully slices the tumor free from the patient, freeing the rest of the organism from having to suffer its delusions of grandeur in the name of prophetic destiny.
Q: Noted. Thanks for your time, Dr. Lazarin. Good luck with finding your cure.
A: Your attentions are appreciated, as is your assistance.
Q: Thanks. Wait, what?
A: I took the liberty of testing my latest tincture on you.
Q: Uh. When was this?
A: Your beverage.
Q: What did you give me?
A: Assuming my proportions were correct, in moments you will be experiencing pan-dimensional synoptic enhancement, enabling you to simultaneously see in eight spectra and thirty-eight dimensions. I suggest exercising caution, however. The inhabitants can see you as well.
Q: Ha, you had me going there for a sec – AAARRGGHHH!!! The HORROR! I CAN SEE TOO MUCH!!!!
A: Solvent successful.